Dignifying Confusion: Why Great Sales Conversations Aren’t About Being the Smartest in the Room
In the world of consultative sales, one of the easiest traps for experts and fractional leaders is trying to prove their value too quickly. In an effort to establish credibility, we may unintentionally come across as a savior—someone rushing in with all the answers.
But here’s the problem: real leaders don’t want to be saved.
They want to be seen. They want to be understood.
And they want a strategic collaborator who respects their thinking—even when it’s incomplete.
When Certainty Backfires
Many of us were taught that knowledge builds trust. And to a point, it does. But when we over-perform that knowledge, we risk:
Exposing the buyer’s blind spots too abruptly
Triggering shame instead of curiosity
Making ourselves the center of the conversation
Eroding the buyer’s psychological safety
Psychologist Dr. Brené Brown distinguishes between guilt (“I did something bad”) and shame (“I am bad”). When someone feels like they should already know what you’re explaining, your insight—no matter how accurate—can inadvertently push them toward shame. That’s not a buying state. That’s a retreat state.
Neuroscience backs this up. David Rock’s SCARF model shows how status threats (feeling inferior or “less than”) reduce engagement. And research by Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett shows that emotional discomfort can shut down our ability to think flexibly—exactly what we need to make good decisions.
Dignifying Confusion
To “dignify” someone’s confusion is to hold space for their uncertainty without rushing to resolve it. It’s an act of respect and collaboration. It signals: “You’re not behind. You’re just in the middle of something complex. And I’m here to help think it through.”
As Brené Brown says:
“Curiosity is the antidote to shame.”
This is where real influence lives—not in answers, but in the quality of presence we bring to the unknown.
Dignifying Failure
The same principle applies when a buyer shares a past failure or misstep. They’re testing the water. Will you judge them? Will you reinforce their fear? Or will you normalize their experience and offer insight without blame?
Instead of saying:
“That’s why you need me.”
Try:
“I’ve seen how smart, capable people can run into that—especially when they’re deep in execution and don’t have the benefit of outside perspective.”
Now you’ve dignified their experience. You’ve honored the risk they took. And you’ve made it safe to keep exploring.
Buyers Don’t Want a Hero—They Want a Guide
We often think we’re hired for our solutions. But more often, we’re hired for how we think—and how we help others think better.
In the process of showcasing our expertise, we may inadvertently trigger feelings of shame and discomfort in potential clients. This creates subtle resistance—not just to us, but to the very conversation. When people feel exposed or inadequate, they shut down. Not because they don’t need help, but because they no longer feel safe receiving it.
This is especially important to understand when you’re not being hired as an employee, but as a consultant.
An employee is brought in to fill a role—defined by a job description and integrated into an existing structure. The relationship is based on execution and performance.
But a consultant is hired to solve an ongoing problem—to bring an outside lens, a strategic frame, and to challenge existing patterns in a way that brings clarity and movement.
“They’re not hiring a fix—they’re hiring someone who can help them see what they cannot.”
Your value isn’t just in what you do. It’s in how you help them see what they couldn’t see, decide what matters most, and navigate what comes next. That requires dignifying where they are, even if it’s tangled, slow, or uncertain.
Real leaders don’t hire saviors.
They hire collaborators—people who can think with them, not over them.
